Pouring your emotions out to your most loved ones has been relatively easy. That is because we are comfortable with them. We are okay with being our most vulnerable selves.
Even if we hurl something harshly at them, we know that they will be there for us in the back of our minds. However, everyone has their tipping point. Just because we call them family doesn’t mean we need not learn how to control our emotions.
Emotions such as anger can cause heavy damage to your relationships. It is necessary to be able to control our anger so that we avoid hurting ourselves and our near and dear ones.
Anger is a healthy, natural feeling that is neither good nor negative. It sends a message, just like any other feeling, informing you that a situation is unpleasant, unfair, or dangerous.
However, if your first reaction to rage is to erupt, that message will never get over. While it’s natural to feel furious after being wronged or mistreated, anger becomes an issue when it’s expressed in a way that damages yourself or others.
Anger may have a role in the development of a variety of harmful relationship behaviors. Emotional outbursts and threatening actions tend to increase if they are left uncontrolled.
Loving ties between family members may be obscured by heavy layers of resentment in situations when calm, open communication is overwhelmed by rage-filled words and acts.
It should be understood that, if you are prone to having anger outbursts, you need to be able to control it before hurting someone.
What can anger do?
Anger may be quite damaging to a relationship. Those who live with and love someone prone to rage might easily become engrossed in attempting to find fault.
Anger, which is frequently a sign of something deeper and more complicated, may also be contagious, and both partners in a relationship might get furious.
After a while, you may lose the ability to identify each other as individuals, and your basic self-perceptions may no longer match what you’re going through. Instead, you perceive yourself as an angry and aggressive person, and your relationship as one in which both you and your spouse/child are always furious.
Especially if there are children around, anger can be passed down to them. Sooner or later, you’ll begin to see their temper tantrums at home, at school, with other children, and in other situations as well. You’ll see yourself in a circle of anger.
Be it with your partner or your family. Our perspective of ourselves, our partners, and the relationship as a whole is altered by the cycle of rage. To modify this view and understand what is there, we must first recognize the concerns and problems that anger has caused, as well as the interpersonal relationship’s influence on anger.
What to do when you are angry?
In the spur of the moment, you would feel like it’s impossible to control your emotions. However, dedicating time and patience to yourself can vastly improve your situation.
Professional family therapists are qualified to recognize problematic patterns of anger-based interaction. They believe individuals who work hard in therapy to improve their relationships are typically rewarded with a fresh feeling of optimism.
Here are some suggestions for reorganizing one’s thought patterns such that anger-inducing thoughts and sensations are reduced significantly:
When you feel your anger building, ask or tell yourself:
- “Why am I furious right now?”
- “I am going to choose not to be offended,”
- “So, what exactly are they trying to say?”
This could give you a few seconds to recollect your thoughts and give yourself some time to think through the situation before losing your cool with someone else.
However, there is a little bit more that you need to do to control your anger in most situations. You should try the following as well if you would like to take control of your anger:
- Recognize that there is an issue
You won’t be able to break the pattern if you don’t acknowledge it. Understand that there is something within that needs to be sorted. Anger is a secondary emotion. Hence, there will always be another emotion that needs to be recognized and worked upon. With that understanding, you’ll be able to work on your anger management as well.
- Find a method to de-escalate fights and calm down your temper
People who genuinely know each other frequently know how to bring comedy into a disagreement and shift the tone of the conversation, even when they are angry. You realize you’ve worked hard on your relationship when you can joke about it. To be able to achieve this, though, you must first establish a foundation of trust. You must get to know your spouse or children and believe in their good intentions.
- Consider what you’re saying before you say it
Nothing will be able to be resolved if you talk while triggered. Anger has a way of shutting out your brain and leaving you simply furious—you’re rarely able to reason or think properly while you’re upset. You must be able to take a step back, identify the sources of your anger and talk about them. Often conflicts could lead to their anger bursting out of control and this frequently results in emotions of detachment. De-escalating the situation using deep breathing and relaxing methods can be beneficial. Adopt this anytime and every time you feel angry.
- Journal your thoughts
Make a list of what is important to you and what you hope to get out of your relationship or family. Take some time to write out your sentiments of sorrow and self-doubt, among other things, when you feel like things aren’t going the way you want them to. Whether you bring your diary to counseling to help you put your feelings into words, discuss your ideas with your spouse/family on your own, or keep it private, being able to express these concerns will help you discover the underlying reasons you’re in this furious cycle with your relationships.
- Handle your anger as quickly as you can
Address it right away and express your dissatisfaction. Demonstrate to your spouse/child that you genuinely care about what bothers or hurts them by expressing your thoughts in non-blaming ways. You don’t have to take it personally if your spouse/child gets enraged and becomes harsh or judgmental. You don’t have to defend yourself if it’s not accurate. Instead, take a step back and consider the true meaning of the harsh remarks. Frequently, the message is far more profound. Your spouse/child loves you, but they may believe you don’t love them because of anything you’ve done or said, and they don’t know how else to communicate their sentiments at the time. You may reassure your spouse/child you care and begin to handle the anger and its effects together, with your partnership as the top priority, if you can move past the anger and realize your spouse/child is hurting beneath the fury.
- Make an effort to pay attention
Communication entails more than simply speaking; it also entails listening and genuinely listening. Recognize what your spouse or child is expressing, and accept responsibility for any irritation, hurt, or disconnect you may be experiencing. If you have injured your spouse or child, express your regret. If you’ve been hurt, instead of clinging to your anger and resentment, concentrate on forgiving them. This, together with the assistance of a skilled counselor if necessary, can help all of you move ahead together toward a better place.
Taking extra help from professionals is completely normal. You could try taking up individual counseling and/or family counseling. Working one on one focuses on the source of angry thoughts and behavior, which has generally been regarded as a safer and more secure alternative than working with the entire furious family at once.
Individual treatment allows for a more in-depth emphasis on the most significant emotions that lie underlying the person’s anger. Family therapy is an effective tool for healing the harm caused by long-term angry exchanges.
Persistent anger builds a gap between family members over time, causing them to either estranged from each other or become unhealthily attached. Rather than believing that any single person is responsible for the family’s anger, therapy would evaluate each member’s involvement in the angry exchanges.
Anger is sometimes a sign of something more serious. When we recognize this, we can confront it to shift the tenor of our talk about anger, put a stop to negative interactions, and start making room for good dialogue and transformation.
It’s normal to be angered by reason, but it’s crucial to learn to tolerate it when it arises in any relationship. In a healthy relationship, coping skills are used to prevent anger from turning harmful.
Try to understand the source and work toward reestablishing an emotional relationship and trust that you and the other person deserve. This can be attained through the strategies mentioned above. It’s always better to learn how to express, hear, and respond to anger than ruin something precious.
Related Article: Channelize Your Anger